Letting Go into Kindness

I am realizing that nothing steals my inner silence more than a continual stream of doctor appointments. I feel like I’ve had more blood taken out of me than I have in me right now! Yes, there is anxiety about the catheterization coming up Thursday, but even more than that is a frustration, even resentment, about how this retirement experience is shaping up so far. I was hoping for peace and open spaces. Instead, I have a calendar full of tests, labs, and procedures.

On the other hand, I have been the recipient of great kindness. A new cardiologist who takes time and listens, actually seeming to care about what happens to me. My first visit to a hematologist in an oncology lab brought me to a place of great suffering, but there was a sense of calm and joy in that office. Both the doctor and the nurse, used to dealing with fear, both looked me straight in the eyes and seemed determined to help me. I felt I could rest in that care. Skill certainly helps to heal the body, but it is surely kindness that heals the spirit.

The day after tomorrow, I will have the main event, the heart catheterization at Maine Med in Portland. After these few weeks, my hopes and expectations have changed a bit. Yes, I expect to have doctors and nurses who are skilled and will practice that skill on me. But my fervent hope is that I will find a place where I can sink into kindness. That will certainly bring calm and blessing to my heart long before my arteries are explored!

It is anaesthesia that allows us to totally let go our bodies into another’s hands, but it is kindness that allows us to go there in trust. And that is where the healing begins.

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Author: Dwelling in Presence

Striving to live in the present where Spirit is found, I get (t)here most often by writing. It keeps me grounded in both the silence and in my senses. So, welcome to my journal. With a home on mid coast Maine, I have recently retired from 18 years as copastor of The First Church in Belfast, United Church of Christ, with my spouse, Joel Krueger. My spiritual formation has been nurtured by the sensual and sacramental faith of the Roman Catholic church, the heady intellectualism of Yale Divinity School and doctoral studies at Northwestern University, and the justice activism of the United Church of Christ in which I am ordained. Yale Divinity gave me the opportunity to study with pastoral theologian Henri Nouwen who I continue to think of as spiritual mentor these many years later. I have begun this blog to be certain to reach out in a time of great transition and chaos. We are suffering a worldwide pandemic, a global climate crisis, a war-damaged world and great upheaval in the church. With these reflections, I want to share what gives me joy and that which gives me pause. I look forward to hearing yours comments.

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