Growing Edge

Rev. Dr. Kate Winters

You may have heard the saying “We make plans and God laughs.” It is a blunt way of saying how little control we ultimately have over our lives. I’ve never liked the phrase. I think God has more respect for the plans, the hopes, and the dreams we build for ourselves. The one who created us would not laugh as we use the gifts we have been given to chart our life’s course. I don’t think God was laughing at me when I planned to go into silence for three months at the beginning of my retirement. But perhaps my plan was too much like those I have set up before – relying on myself, my willpower and determination to achieve something. Surviving a divorce. Earning a Ph.D. Going back to seminary to become ordained in the United Church of Christ. No, I never really did these things by myself, but the initial plans were mine. I was determined to make them happen. And they did.

Perhaps God was aware that I would learn nothing by shouldering through three months of silence. That was not going to be my path to growth. That was not going to bring me to wholeness/holiness/union. At least not until I learned to “let go.” Let go of my plan. Let go of my tendency to accomplish things by myself. To put myself in the hands of others, in the hands of sweet compassion.

No, I don’t believe God “gave” me heart disease to teach me a lesson. That is not the work of love, and the God I believe in is infinite love. My challenge now is not to shoulder on, but to let go into that love.

Letting go into love has never been easy for me. I have never felt worthy of it, thus I consistently tried to deserve it, to prove my worth. Why? Perhaps it was reading all those Catholic saint books when I was a child. Or the Monseigneur handing out report cards at Holy Family School telling me my dad is going to “love me” after seeing the straight A’s. I can still feel his hand on my head! I don’t know, perhaps it is just a frustrating part of my personality. It doesn’t really matter why. I only know that after reading the booklet I was given at the hospital about bypass surgery, what struck me most was how completely I had to give myself over to another’s care…and for how long. How I will need to rely on the skill, plans, and goodness of others without doing a thing to deserve it!

I don’t think that God is laughing here. The voice of the Spirit is soothing as it whispers “Let go, dear Kate. Let go. Let yourself be held.” Here is my growing edge.

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Author: Dwelling in Presence

Striving to live in the present where Spirit is found, I get (t)here most often by writing. It keeps me grounded in both the silence and in my senses. So, welcome to my journal. With a home on mid coast Maine, I have recently retired from 18 years as copastor of The First Church in Belfast, United Church of Christ, with my spouse, Joel Krueger. My spiritual formation has been nurtured by the sensual and sacramental faith of the Roman Catholic church, the heady intellectualism of Yale Divinity School and doctoral studies at Northwestern University, and the justice activism of the United Church of Christ in which I am ordained. Yale Divinity gave me the opportunity to study with pastoral theologian Henri Nouwen who I continue to think of as spiritual mentor these many years later. I have begun this blog to be certain to reach out in a time of great transition and chaos. We are suffering a worldwide pandemic, a global climate crisis, a war-damaged world and great upheaval in the church. With these reflections, I want to share what gives me joy and that which gives me pause. I look forward to hearing yours comments.