A Visit to the Surgeon

Rev. Dr. Kate Winters

Joel and I are finally going to meet the heart surgeon today. Hopefully by the end of the visit, I will have a date for my triple bypass surgery. I do know that I will finally have all the gory details of the operation. This, I think, is good. I have a strong tendency to immediately make some kind of meaning out of things before facing the physical reality of them.

For example, one of my first posts dealt with how this surgery would reroute the meaning and activity of my retirement – from a plan to keep three months of silence to having a lesson in letting go and surrender. I had already set up a spiritual goal for the surgery before acknowledging the fact that my sternum was going to be broken, my chest entered, veins removed from God knows where to replace or assist the blocked ones. My heart will be stopped for some time and I will be put on a bypass machine that will keep me alive while new pathways are created for blood to feed my heart. Yes, I’ve been reading, which is another way I deal with the frightening unknown. Although I’d much rather deal with the spiritual meaning than the physical reality of what will happen to me. However, is this not a miracle, the fact that the heart can be stopped, worked on, then started again to heal a human body?

Okay, there is that little doubt…what if it refuses? What if my heart decides, “Thank you very much, but I am tired and would like to enjoy this sleep?” How might I ask the surgeon this question? But really, isn’t this God’s domain? Will this not be a “thin place” where life meets death, where the skill of the human surgeon meets the life-giving will of God?

I have heard that heart patients tend to get more emotional after this kind of surgery. They feel things more deeply and cry more easily. Is there something about entering that liminal place between life and death that deepens our emotional connections with all other beings, our sensitivity to the fragility of life on this earth? There I go again, into the realm of the Spirit rather than acknowledging that there will be pain and pain fosters tears. On the other hand, haven’t I been learning that the realm of the Spirit and the realm of the body are completlely intertwined?

So, today I will meet the surgeon, Dr. Buchanan, the man who will literally hold my life in his hands. Yes, I have some fear, but mostly I am grateful that I have this opporunity to have my life extended, a life full of joy, of love, and of meaning. I pray that I am open to all the lessons of this time, both spiritual and physical. And that Joel can put up with an even more emotional me!

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Author: Dwelling in Presence

Striving to live in the present where Spirit is found, I get (t)here most often by writing. It keeps me grounded in both the silence and in my senses. So, welcome to my journal. With a home on mid coast Maine, I have recently retired from 18 years as copastor of The First Church in Belfast, United Church of Christ, with my spouse, Joel Krueger. My spiritual formation has been nurtured by the sensual and sacramental faith of the Roman Catholic church, the heady intellectualism of Yale Divinity School and doctoral studies at Northwestern University, and the justice activism of the United Church of Christ in which I am ordained. Yale Divinity gave me the opportunity to study with pastoral theologian Henri Nouwen who I continue to think of as spiritual mentor these many years later. I have begun this blog to be certain to reach out in a time of great transition and chaos. We are suffering a worldwide pandemic, a global climate crisis, a war-damaged world and great upheaval in the church. With these reflections, I want to share what gives me joy and that which gives me pause. I look forward to hearing yours comments.

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