Rev. Dr. Kate Winters, “Dwelling in Presence,” August 7, 2023
Have you ever opened a book, begun to read, and found your heart beating faster with the realization that you were about to be changed in some essential way? You surmise that the way you look at the world and your life is about to be expanded, deepened, or blown up all together? The moment stands out in your memory, even if it was decades ago, as a crucial turning point.
I remember clear as day the moment in my junior year of college when I took a book off a shelf in a retreat house I was staying at for the weekend. It was Out of Solitude by Father Henri Nouwen. I took myself somewhere outside to read. It was not a long book, and by the time I got to the end, my whole body and mind felt different. The best I can describe it is as a state of deep longing, an ache to know and to live by what I had just read. The text was both simple and profound.
I have no doubt that that book gave direction to my life, from college to grad school (where I did get to study with Henri), to teaching and ministry. It also took me where I would have the privilege to be advised by Dr. Margaret Farley, RSM at Yale Divinity School, which led to a feminist awakening as well as to the realization that the reason I was so taken by Fr. Nouwen was that he was articulating things that were already singing deep inside my heart. Margaret helped me to see clearly the idol I had erected and enabled me to reclaim my own mind. I am grateful to them both as significant human touchstones in my coming to adulthood.
Certain other books have had similar, if not as clearly momentous, influences on me; Women’s Ways of Knowing by Mary Field Belenky, et. al., Sexism and God-Talk by one of my Ph.D. advisors, Rosemary Radford Ruether, The Evolving Self by Robert Kegan, Adult Faith by James Fowler. All of these from graduate school and seminary days helped to shape my developmental perspective on life and a focus on women’s experience. Then more recently, books by John O’Donohue, J. Philip Newell, Martin Laird, Kathleen Dowling Singh, and others have encouraged the next phase – the aspirational Celtic writer-theologian-contemplative!
What started this whole stream of consciousness was a book I began this morning that instantly had my heart beating in that old “get ready for change” rhythm. Kabir Helminski writes: “Our churches emphasize beliefs rather than experience, emotion rather than transcendent experience, conventional religious behavior rather than inner transformation. We are starved for the food of the soul.” (Living Presence: The Sufi Path to Mindfulness and the Essential Self, p. 11) He also writes that our eduational institutions are solely about intellectual pursuits and collecting head knowledge, not about formation of the heart. When I look back on my academic career, it amazes me how on point this is, even including the work I did for three seminary degrees. As I read Helminski, I realized how much catch up work there is to do to get my heart as prepared and ready for something new as my intellect often is.
One of the first things I learn here is that food for the soul cannot be found solely in solitary pursuits. This is a good reminder and motivator to find myself a new kind of community in this retirement, or help to create one, one that is not satisfied with traditional beliefs or conventional religious behavior. Perhaps this is partly what this blog is all about. But I am becoming aware that the blog itself is not sufficient – I need the physical presence of others on this journey. I also need the couage and will at this time to make myself physically present. I am way too comfortable these days in my own company. But for now, I’ll be at least conversing with Kabir Helminski and the rest of you!
Dwelling in Presence 