Rev. Dr. Kate Winters, “Dwelling in Presence,” Auguest 16, 2023
People become obsessed with their ego-driven goals, forgetting that the present moment is the source of well-being and fulfillment.” Kabir Helminski, Living Presence, p. 150
How is it that we can know something deep inside but not until someone articulates it in simple words, unearthing the insight from within, do we acknowledge the truth? It seems to me that a spiritual teacher is a kind of excavator who is able to wrest insight from the depths of our own awareness to make it available for our understanding and growth. I think this is what Jesus did. Not speaking in esoteric terms, he used words that would resonate down to the hearts of people, giving them access to inner wisdom that could transform their lives. Unless, of course, they were not quite ready. Think Nicodemus or the rich young man. On the flip side, think of the woman at the well. Yes, Jesus simply helped her to see what she already knew, but until then, hadn’t been able to trust. But once the light was shone on what was already in her heart, she could no longer contain it. She became the teacher.
Kabir Helminski, author of the book I mentioned a few posts back, seems to be my personal excavator right now. It reminds me of a phrase I heard long ago – “When you are ready, the teacher will come.” What has made me ready to learn at this time? Two things, I think – retirement and heart surgery. To be honest, I was truly dreading my retirement from The First Church in Belfast last January for so many reasons. Relationships would change. I would miss the people, especially the children. I would miss planning and leading worship, a passion of mine. I would miss preaching – I loved the whole process, from preparation and prayer, to the writing, to the sharing. Most of all, I knew I would miss having the identity and purpose of pastor. I had a recognized role to play in the community. I was afforded almost instant intimacy with people at sacred times in their lives – weddings, births, illnesses, and deaths. Being a pastor was all-consuming, and yes, at times, exhausting. But I knew who I was and what I was for.
I immediately discovered after retirement that though it was a major change, it wasn’t enough to make me ready for the next stage of my life. I let go of the church and my role, but not my preoccupations. If I wasn’t a pastor, who was I now? What could I do? How do I use all this education? Who could I perform for now (a powerful habit from childhood)? How can I give purpose to my life? Who was I meant to serve? What does God want of me?
After about eight weeks of this anxious questioning, my chest started to feel tight. I visited a cardiologist and within days I had a stress test, an echocardiogram, a heart catheterization, and was shocked to be told I needed triple bypass surgery. My focus changed to simple survival. The questions took a back seat and all I could do was submit to present need and allow myself to be cared for. Thank God for Joel in this time and for the doctors and skilled medical personnel who knew what they were doing.
Now, nearly four months later, I realize that the surgery was a necessary step in embracing this next phase of life. No, I do not think that the powers that be sent heart disease for this purpose. But I do think that the All Loving One regularly transforms suffering into wisdom and light. In this time, I was shown that the questions preoccupying me following retirement were very much of the ego, the very questions that I had been wrestling with all my life. Now, ego can be a helpful guide in life, but it can also subvert other kinds of growth that are available at this later stage.
So, enter Kabir Helminski, teaming up with my retirement and heart surgery, to guide me away from egoic striving and lead me into the Present. The Present – the very place that was calling me when I first heard in my heart – “Go into the silence.” I know I’ll be writing more about this later. For now, I can only say that the Present has brought me the cool morning breeze, the soothing waters, the call of the owl, the sway of the prairies grasses, blessed time and rest, and the smile of my beloved. In other words, joy.
Dwelling in Presence 