From Presence of Mind to Body

Rev. Dr. Kate Winters

Even though retirement is not going as planned, I thought I would be steeped in silence by now, it is taking some kind of shape. One pleasant surprise is my growing desire to write. About three years ago I made a fledgling attempt to blog at the beginning of the pandemic quarantine. I finished perhaps two posts. My perfectionist self appeared and would not let me go beyond that until I had everything set up the way I wanted it to be. I struggled with the way I wanted to be perceived and with accepting help. My desire to make some kind of impression eclipsed my desire to write.

This time is different. I haven’t yet figured out a number of things about the site, such as how I can arrange it to get responses from readers which I would like, or how to change the font on my post, or even how to get people to read the blog! But every day or two I feel compelled to write. The desire seems to come from some unconscious place in my body, not my thinking brain. In fact, many mornings I have my journal open on my lapdesk and pen in hand before having any idea of what I want to write about! But then I call to mind the name of my blog, Dwelling in Presence, and realize that if I just stay present, aware of my surroundings, my feelings, my connection to Spirit, my heart beating, the pen will soon become engaged, and I will surmise my subject! Usually it is about something I need to learn. I’d love to hear how it works for others.

Yesterday I learned that the silence I am seeking begins somewhere in my body. In a place wider and deeper than my ever active brain. To be sure, I am not clear what this means, but I will keep exploring it now that my body has gotten my attention…but did it have to do so in such a dramatic way? Heart disease? Perhaps so. It is healing a life-long pattern.

Initially I named this blog Dwelling in Presence to refer to a quality of mindfulness, a function of the mind’s attention. While I think this is key to the journey I am on, the ability to focus and rest my mind on the presence in the present, the indwelling of God, my heart has already made it known that it has been ignored and taken for granted along with the rest of my body. I am literally heart-broken. I pray to be restored to wholeness.