Gratitude

Rev. Dr. Kate Winters, May 3, 2023

I haven’t written in a few days. Well, that’s not quite true, I’ve written two posts that I just couldn’t publish. Why? Is there something called too much honesty? Of course not! But I think I felt too exposed by my words.

The first one was primarily written to thank all of you who have read these words I’m sending out. You have rewoven a kind of community for me when I most needed one after retiring from my ministry calling. Your words have been encouraging and supportive (most of these posted on Facebook, but also a few here). And I have loved reconnecting with people from far away and long ago! I’ve been telling myself I want to establish a writing ministry, but truth be told, I have always needed a circle of beloveds with open hearts. People who always prove to me what my teacher Henri Nowwen used to say – “What is most personal, is most universal.” Which totally argues against what I said above about being too exposed! Forgive me, my anxiety has risen in these days as we head to Portland this morning and I’m not thinking very clearly. But I feel deep gratitude for all of you.

The second was about the connection of body and spirit. I was asking what happens to the spirit when the body is rearranged? Which is what is going to happen during this surgery – veins from my leg and my chest being used to feed the heart more sufficiently, my heart stopped and started again after the breaking of my sternum.

My theology has always been deeply incarnational. I believe that God speaks through our bodies, something I learned from my childhood lessons on Jesus. I don’t expect to die, and I know I am not Jesus, but it’s hard to imagine that the spirit will flow through me and in me in quite the same way as before. What will this teach me? And, as I have written before, one of my biggest challenges in life is letting go – giving myself over to something that I cannot control. This will certainly be a major lesson. So, who will I be when I wake up? What will have changed? I pray I get to write about it on the other side.

Finally, I thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts this week. I feel them. I also feel my mother’s presence as her Christmas cactus is fully blooming this morning as if she is sending me flowers! And, of course, spring is blooming all around us. It is a sure reminder that life keeps being born again in new forms, in beautiful ways, in vibrant color. All is gift.