THE SPIRAL

Rev. Dr. Kate Winters, Dwelling in Presence, July 7, 2023

It has been six months since Joel and I retired. Just about three months since my bypass surgery. I suppose the good news in these days is that I’m alive. It could have been otherwise, and I am grateful.

I think it will be otherwise if I don’t make some changes in my life – diet, lifestyle, exercise. Though I am participating in cardiac rehab, I have yet to regain any real energy. Walking up a hill still steals my breath. I continue to have a good amount of pain in my chest although I am pretty certain it is not heart pain. Muscles, tendons, nerves were disturbed and relocated during the surgery. These are all in the process of healing. But sometimes healing hurts.

I have also heard that cardiac post-operative patients often go through mood changes Sometimes depression may set in. I don’t think I am clinically depressed, I can function. But the combination of seeking a post-retirement purpose along with post-operative pain has not been easy. There is still a kind of flatness to my early mornings that used to be full of wonder. For the last few weeks, we have been surrounded by fog every morning, which has always come to me with a joyful sense of mystery. Now it seems to simply limit my vision and brings a return of the “stare” I have written about before. Almost back to square one.

Thankfully, I have learned in my life that healing, particularly emotional healing, is a spiral. Hardly a straight line. When we seem to backslide, we really aren’t going all the way back to the same place. Gains have been made that we can build upon in the outward and upward phase. For now, I will take comfort in that. I am alive, and where there is life there is always hope and change.

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Author: Dwelling in Presence

Striving to live in the present where Spirit is found, I get (t)here most often by writing. It keeps me grounded in both the silence and in my senses. So, welcome to my journal. With a home on mid coast Maine, I have recently retired from 18 years as copastor of The First Church in Belfast, United Church of Christ, with my spouse, Joel Krueger. My spiritual formation has been nurtured by the sensual and sacramental faith of the Roman Catholic church, the heady intellectualism of Yale Divinity School and doctoral studies at Northwestern University, and the justice activism of the United Church of Christ in which I am ordained. Yale Divinity gave me the opportunity to study with pastoral theologian Henri Nouwen who I continue to think of as spiritual mentor these many years later. I have begun this blog to be certain to reach out in a time of great transition and chaos. We are suffering a worldwide pandemic, a global climate crisis, a war-damaged world and great upheaval in the church. With these reflections, I want to share what gives me joy and that which gives me pause. I look forward to hearing yours comments.

2 thoughts on “THE SPIRAL”

  2. Hello, Kate. I don’t know if you remember me. I lived in Belfast with my husband for a few years and had the pleasure of meeting you and Joel when I attended your church. I’ve been following your blog and I have been very touched by what you have shared. My heart is with you on your journey. I hope you might enjoy this poem by Jeff Foster that I like.

    Let Yourself Rest

    If you don’t feel like starting a new project, don’t.

    If you don’t feel the urge to make something new,
    just rest in the beauty of the old, the familiar, the known.

    If you don’t feel like talking, stay silent.

    If you’re fed up with the news, turn it off.

    If you want to postpone something until tomorrow, do it.

    If you want to do nothing, let yourself do nothing today.

    Feel the fullness of the emptiness, the vastness of the
    silence, the sheer life of your unproductive moments.

    Time does not always have to be filled.

    You are enough simply in your being.

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