Coming Full Circle

Rev. Kate Winters, Ph.D., “Dwelling in Presence,” July 30, 2023

Born the second child in a family of five, with an older brother and three younger sisters, I took on many traits of an eldest child; an overly developed sense of responsibility, a need to take care of people (including my mother who had her hands full with five children under the age of ten), and a deep desire for the attention of my father in the midst of all those kids. While some children act out to get noticed, I took an opposite tactic: I would be good.

Now goodness meant a couple of things to me. Deeply influenced by the Franciscan Capuchin nuns of my grammar school, I endeavored to be obedient, helpful, and, as much as I could, I would be holy, whatever that meant to an over-eager Roman Catholic child. But good moral behavior was not enough – I would also need to excel in whatever I did. Get the solos in the dance recitals, win the spelling bees, get the best grades in school, which would be certain to have the priests tell me that my father would be very proud when they handed out the report cards. Anything less than perfect meant my father in heaven and on earth would be disappointed in me, at least in my mind, bringing on not guilt, but feelings of shame. It came with the recognition that I was not enough and bound to fail. In other words, I was not the saint I aspired to be, I was only human. The problem with all of this is that I never fully accepted my humanity as lovable.

Why do I rehearse and rehash this past? Some would say that I was being dramatic. I’m an adult now, not the attention seeking “holy ghost” as I was labeled by my siblings. I should just put it all behind me. After all, I am now a teacher and clergyperson myself, therefore should practice what I preach – the worth and dignity of every fallible human and non-human being, and that God is not judgment, but infinite love.

Well, I have learned something in this new retirement stage of being. Life seems to come full circle. Back to when I was only starting out trying to figure out what it was all about. Who and how I am meant to be…now. With approximately six decades of experience behind me, you would think that this would be easy. On the other hand, the patterns I have lived in these years are awfully set in their ways and hard to break. They may have contributed to my current condition – an over-stressed and broken heart. Step one has to be to mend the brokenness, relax, accept, and love all the imperfections, trade in sainthood for simply human. Then, I think, I must learn to allow myself to just be. Could it be that the grace I’ve been helping others to know is meant for me as well?

May it be so, and may I have the humility to receive it.