Rev. Dr. Kate Winters, Dwelling in Presence, July 7, 2023
It has been six months since Joel and I retired. Just about three months since my bypass surgery. I suppose the good news in these days is that I’m alive. It could have been otherwise, and I am grateful.
I think it will be otherwise if I don’t make some changes in my life – diet, lifestyle, exercise. Though I am participating in cardiac rehab, I have yet to regain any real energy. Walking up a hill still steals my breath. I continue to have a good amount of pain in my chest although I am pretty certain it is not heart pain. Muscles, tendons, nerves were disturbed and relocated during the surgery. These are all in the process of healing. But sometimes healing hurts.
I have also heard that cardiac post-operative patients often go through mood changes Sometimes depression may set in. I don’t think I am clinically depressed, I can function. But the combination of seeking a post-retirement purpose along with post-operative pain has not been easy. There is still a kind of flatness to my early mornings that used to be full of wonder. For the last few weeks, we have been surrounded by fog every morning, which has always come to me with a joyful sense of mystery. Now it seems to simply limit my vision and brings a return of the “stare” I have written about before. Almost back to square one.
Thankfully, I have learned in my life that healing, particularly emotional healing, is a spiral. Hardly a straight line. When we seem to backslide, we really aren’t going all the way back to the same place. Gains have been made that we can build upon in the outward and upward phase. For now, I will take comfort in that. I am alive, and where there is life there is always hope and change.
Dwelling in Presence 